My friend recently said, I’m going to be one of those “rags to riches” stories you always hear about.
It kind of felt bitter sweat, because at times it feels like my friends believe in me more than I do recently. My own mom is beginning to break down from the cost of bills and relentless expenses.
I haven’t written in a while, because I started working at a shithole job full-time to pay my private student loans. As much as I’d like to rant about wanting to eat a bullet and end my suffering, I’m not there yet. I’m sick of suffering, but ending it would just the cowards way out at this point. I’ll beg, barrow, and fight with every ounce of strength I have left to reach my own personal goals of creative expression, if it’s the last thing I ever do.
I keep applying for design jobs every week, but I have 2 personal projects I have in the blast furnace that I’m dying to dip in oil.
I want to make a game, and I want to make a feature length film.
My RC racing game, Criminal Mischief, is within swatting distance of being ready to be presented to a publisher. I have to finish the pick-up system, and then attempt some player AI. This isn’t a crazy AAA game, but rather a realistically scoped indie title. I’m just having so much trouble sitting down to finish this vertical slice, because my laptop is showing its age, or perhaps I just like making excuses, and that’s why I’m a failure. I haven’t quite broken that threshold of self doubt yet. I’d be stupid not to finish it. I love the concept too much to give up, I just feel so alone trying to do everything myself. I just have to keep reminding myself that if I can get funding, I can get a small team.
My first feature length script has been completed and copyrighted, but mind you, I had no budget in mind when writing it. That movie is something I’d get made with a budget in the 10s of millions at the very least. It was my vision that had no holding back, and that’s okay.
However, this film would have to be budgeted accordingly. It would have to be shot with a small crew of folks I knew from college, and financed on a shoestring budget. I want to make a slasher movie or a horror thriller, but I am having such a hard time deciding what to go for. I have a handful of pretty darn good ideas, but I have no idea what to move forward with. I’m not sure if I should go straight with the cheapest idea, or shoot for something a tad bit better. I think I can rewrite my cheapest idea to have more substance.
Oddly enough, I’m confident I could get the funding and crew together, it’s just a script that has to get off of the ground. I don’t even give a shit about a distributor or marketing either. I just want to get something made with my name on it. I suppose the second most complicated thing would be a lawyer to help keep everything as fair and legitimate as possible.
I know I can make something great. My own curse is superhuman self awareness, and dammit I know when I have good ideas. I’m not oozing confidence out of every orifice, but I know I can do this. These projects are what keep my going.
I was born in a world of media. I was shaped by media my entire life. I enjoy consuming it still to this day, but I want to go from consumer to creator.
I want to give troubled kids out there the same entertainment and comfort I had growing up in a broken household. Whether it’s a game or a film, I want to leave a legacy in this world beyond the fleeting memories of people I’ve met, and a crumbling gravestone.
I just kind of had to write this to organize my thoughts. I need to remind myself that no matter how run down I get, I have to keep inching forward with all the strength I have.
You know how people always go, “I’m feeling this next year is going to be the one.”, when they think the position of the earth in relation to the Gregorian calendar determines their destiny. Fuck that nonsense. I feel like this life is going to be “the one”. This is my one life, and until I drop dead of a random aneurysm, I’m going to make it “the one”. I’m going to keep fighting even if I’m my only supporter.
I bought a new DSLR camera, and I am currently grinding away for a new work computer. Success can’t come soon enough.
